Written by Brendon Humperdink
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Monday, 4 April 2011

image for Royal Wedding Singer Revealed As Morrissey
The Queen Is NOT Dead!

The Royal Family announced surprising news today that cult icon and lead singer of The Smiths, Morrissey, will provide entertainment as the wedding singer for Kate and Wills big day - at the cost of re-writing The Smiths hit album, The Queen Is Dead.

The Queen revealed the information claiming she is a dedicated fan of the king of melancholy.

"One does love jiving to This Charming Man after a hard days work at the palace so naturally I'm delighted that Moz has accepted my offer. I must say my favourite karaoke song is his hit tune Irish Blood, English Heart. But naturally with my mischievous ways I like to change the lyrics to German Blood, English Heart! Ho ho, we Royals do love a bit of humour now and again!"

The news has come as a shock to the wider public with Morrissey having an anti-royalist history - his former band The Smiths most famous album being 1986's seminal The Queen Is Dead. However, he has been ordered to re-write the entire album in relation to the Royals if he is to sing at the royal wedding.

According to the NME, the album and title track will now be entitled The Queen Is Well And Truly Alive, with I Know It's Over being re-written as I Know It's Just Began And I Won't Fuck Up My Marriage Like My Dad Did. Bigmouth Strikes Again will be known as Prince Phillip Strikes Again.

Perhaps the most famous song from the album, There Is A Light That Never Goes Out will now focus on the death of Princess Diana.

The original lyrics Morrissey sang state 'And if a double decker bus crashes into us/ to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die. The double decker bus in question has now been replaced with a Fiat Uno.

Morrissey has declined to comment, but it has been suggested that he has taken up the offer due to serious financial problems after blowing his life savings on second hand Sega Mega Drives. He is now known to possess the biggest collection of the game console in the world.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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