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Friday, 1 April 2011

image for Kate Middleton 'Up The Duff'
A very royal family

Kate Middleton was spotted shopping at Mothercare looking wistfully at baby clothes. The soon to be Royal princess is obviously looking to her future after marriage.

Insiders have speculated that she is already pregnant as she has stopped drinking and smoking and has looked queasy some mornings at breakfast time and is unable to stomach any kedgeree.

If Kate is already pregnant she will be due to have her baby next February and will soon be a trendy young 'yummy mummy.'

It is rumoured that a place has already been reserved at an upmarket nursery where Princess Diana used to work. The private secretary is already reserving a place for the child at Bedales public school.

The Queen has not been informed as she is under the illusion that Kate and William have not actually done the deed yet. When stay at Windsor Castle a separate suite of rooms is prepared for each of the young couple.

Charles is said to be 'over the moon' to be a grandfather and is glad that William and Kate are a fertile couple. He was overheard telling Camilla that she was a 'fertile young filly.'

However, friends and family or Kate are worried as to the paternity of the baby as she went on a 'bender' when on an unofficial hen party in Dublin. She is said to have been partying with Robbie Williams and Take That and had a little dalliance with the 'good looking' blond one from the band. She 'crashed out' and has no recollection of what happened after drinking a cocktail bought for her by Louis Walsh. It is rumoured that 'the Robster' spiked her drink. After the escapade Kate was not 'virgo intacto' and she is worried that when the baby is born it might come out looking like Robbie Williams.

Jeremy Kyle is said to be looking forward to grilling her on his talk show and asking her 'Who's the daddy?' and doing a paternity test to see if William is actually the father of the little sprog.

Prince William's private secretary has said, "I could not possibly comment. Let's say that there was some dispute over Prince Harry's parentage but that was hushed up within 'the firm' and that 'little gimp Diana was friendly with at the time was given 'short shrift'."

Ranks have closed and courtiers are remaining tight lipped Mrs Middleton is in a state of 'shocked disbelief' and is incandescent that Kate could have put the Middleton family's future advancement in jeopardy.

Kate is said to be choosing decor for her new nursery and is talking serious baby talk with Victoria Beckham about what name to call her new baby. Posh has told her that the name 'Luna' is already taken if she should have a girl and have advised Kate to call the baby 'Buck' after Buckingham Palace. Kate has said that it could be misspelt as something else.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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