David Cameron has secretly employed Peter Mandelson as a media advisor. The shock news comes after an extensive investigation that also reveals that David Cameron has a hidden secret that has left him open to blackmail.
The appointment was made last Tuesday after Peter Mandelson made David an offer he could not refuse. Some might call it black mail but the offer was: "Give me a job David, or I tell everyone about your associations with Pete Doherty and the dodgy things that go on at the Cult head quarters of The Shiny Golden Temple of Morrisey"
The Shiny Golden Temple of Morrisey is an underground music venue where only the most favoured of Morrisey worshippers are allowed access to. Everyone wears black hooded robes and they chant dark words of wisdom taken from Morrissey's songs that they believe can help other followers in their day to day lives.
David's favourite line which he believes demonstrates the way his life is right now is, "I was looking for a job and then I found a job, but heaven knows I'm miserable now."
Pete Doherty's favourite line to chant is "Burn down the Disco. Hang the Blessed DJ"
David joined the cult 6 weeks ago after he met Pete Doherty in a Railway station Newspaper shop. They found themselves unashamedly dancing to the same tune on the radio and afterwards they met up to talk about their shared interest in a cafe in a back street in Paris.
Since then David has been attending regular meetings, and especially enjoys the company of other Morrisey worshippers. After the chanting is over, the members have to proclaim their devotion to Morrisey and then dance until dawn to his excellent songs.
Peter Mandelson became aware of this Cults existence because he has had spies posted all over London looking for blackmail information since the start of the new Tory Rule. They have been following Cameron everywhere and when they found out about Cameron's strange acts of worship the spies filmed the whole thing and presented them to Mandelson.
David begged him not to tell anyone about the Morrisey worship, but Mandelson had no mercy. He wanted a job at the very heart of Government and David gave it to him. He had no choice. But now Peter Mandelson is in position, David has found him very useful. He has offered him lots of help with the Libya situation. Peter knows the Gaddafi's very well. And so things have worked out for the best.
David, however, is still attending Morrisey meetings and does not look like giving up soon.
By Katarina Frogpond.