Today it was announced that Birmingham prison would become the first privatised prison in the UK. The Prison Officers Union (POU) immediately declared the idea "out of order" and vowed to lock up the idiot who thought it up.
Chairman of POU, Mao Tse-Tongue, explained that, in his opinion, the Tory government wants to "privatise everything", claiming "they'll be privatising the high street shops next!"
"When will they learn that privatisation doesn't work? Look at all the private companies out there - like Tesco, Microsoft, Virgin. None of them are very successful. Compare that with state-run companies like British Rail or RBS, both well-loved household names known for their excellence."
Tse-Tongue makes comparisons to other prison systems around the world. In the USA, a lot of prisons are privately-run, but they still don't have as high an execution rate as China where all the prisons are state-owned.
Tse-Tongue is concerned that private companies may just run the prisons for profit and that they'll do away with inmates' luxuries like free sex changes and free iPhones.
"We'll all have to work harder - it'll become like a prison in here!"