BIRMINGHAM - As the UK government passes the 'Partnership Credit' Bill in the House of Commons, many youths are being forced into marriage by money-hungry parents.
Sadly, a Spoofer has been subject to this procedure.
Inhopeless used to have a full and extreme life, but now his parents have told him to get married to Eloise Burke, 18, or he would 'be disowned'.
"I can't be disowned," he said. "I ain't gonna get money as inheritance. It will suck ass. But marriage - according to the way my parents, my friends' parents, adults, TV and newspapers act and say - seems like trying to make Wolverhampton and hipsters good things. It's mean and difficult to the person."
The person he is to marry, Eloise, is a daughter of Inhopeless's uncle's friend.
"Well," she said, "I ain't chuffed. It's gonna be hard getting from Coventry to Birmingham [60km]. But I'm sure it'll be worth all the free money I'll get. Sorry - we'll."
Although the couple have met a few times, both are concerned that their youths will be robbed by an old people's quest for monetary gain.
We spoke to Inhopeless's mother, who was willing to feed us a two-course meal before talking.
"Look," she said. "If he say 'yes', it's good. Means my child is not a gay. If he says 'no', then he's a batty man. Simple as."
"What will marriage get me?" he asked. "Well... it could be worse. She could be ugly and not able to read the Economist."
He was then referred to a Year 7 Biology textbook section about Reproduction.
As of press time, Inhopeless had agreed to the proposal for reasons unbeknown.