Written by The Tooth
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Tuesday, 22 March 2011

A government survey has shown that the use of mythical monsters in Britain is down by as much as 70% from 1950, with almost no growth in new myths - a statistic which it urges needs to be changed.

Myths once played a vital role in the running of day to day life in the UK. During the Second World War myths were put into active service, with many soldiers being encouraged to fight by the assurance they'd all receive their own dragon if they won. Studies in Japan, where monsters are much more prolific, have also shown that motivation to find employment is significantly higher and likelihood to go on an adventure is almost double what it is in Britain.

Scientists have already begun research into how best to re-integrate them into society, aiming to revitalise classic fables as well as spawning new legendary beasts in carefully controlled environments before testing them in simulations. "We're confident that we can make myths cool again for the 21st century," said one experimenter, carefully photoshopping sunglasses onto a picture of a dragon. "This is just an example, but if you imagined Saint George you'd probably think of a boring knight. Ok, well imagine if he had an iPod… That's the kind of stuff we're dealing with".

Culture secretary Jeremy Hunt revealed proposals for the newly developed myths at a press conference earlier today. The Tooth has been granted permission to print the list of proposed 21st century mythical beasts:

* Werewolf DJ
* Loch Ness monster with a motorbike
* A mobile phone which comes alive and keeps calling your mum and being rude to her
* Cool Kraken; much like the original Kraken except this one has a backwards cap on
* Zombie Justin Bieber
* Ninja dragon
* A sort of octopus thing, except instead of eyes it's got guns

Hunt clarified however that these were still in the development stage and that by the time they are finally released into society they will have a lot more of whatever it is that kids are into these days, saying "We're confident that there will be a significant improvement for everyone over the next few years." When pressed as to what would actually be significantly improved, Mr Hunt simply pointed to an artist's interpretation of the 'octopus with gun eyes' and said "Need I say more," before making an exit.

Ed Miliband has criticised the new project. "We don't need myths," he said, "they are archaic remnants of the past and the hope that re-introducing them will improve anything is farcical and idiotic. Money should be invested in something that moves our society forwards, not backwards. Like aliens."

Nick Clegg has also come under fire as, prior to the election, the Liberal Democrats made it very clear that they would oppose a myth increase.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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