Written by The Tooth
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Tuesday, 22 March 2011

he Coalition has recently become dangerously divided over Nick Clegg's apparent inability to get the lunch run right.

Tory rebels have stated that they will no longer toe the party line after members of the Cabinet received incorrect sandwich fillings when Clegg went to the shop during the recess of a Government meeting.

"I ordered coronation chicken and sweet corn" said Chancellor, George Osborne. "Nick came back with tuna and cucumber. This isn't the kind of service expected from the Deputy Prime Minister."

This culture of lunchtime blunders allegedly goes much deeper, even at Number 10 the DPM apparently cannot get the order right. A senior member of security staff said to The Tooth:

"Clegg doesn't know a cheese roll from a Swiss roll; he didn't even remember that I have eight sugars. And he's been getting my tea since the Coalition took power. He's fucking useless."

Prime Minister, David Cameron, has refused comment on the DPM's potential dismissal, but it is strongly suspected that the recent confusion regarding the forestry sell-off was due to Mr Clegg presenting him with an egg salad sandwich, when he ordered a cheese and pickle at a recent Green Party conference meeting.

"This government is based on trust" said Mr Cameron. "If my number two can't even get my lunch right, how can I trust him with debating a replacement for the Trident system?"

It appears that the Lib Dems have a history of failed lunch policies. Menzies Campbell was once quoted as saying that "You know you're a Tory when you get what you ordered" A notion that may have Mr Cameron realising he is very much sharing power with the Liberals.

"We stopped at a petrol station on the way back from Hull last week" said Cameron. "I asked Nick to get me a pork and pickle lattice pie - he came back with a peppered steak slice and a bag of Frazzles. I was mortified!"

The situation is untenable. If the DPM cannot even get the lunch order right, why should the country trust him with tuition fees, or the economy? Mr Clegg is obviously woefully under qualified for his role and should be replaced with the Bank of England's senior tea lady at the soonest possible opportunity.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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