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Tuesday, 22 March 2011

image for Pussy Cat Doll Nicole Sherzinger Will Host USA X-Factor "Miaow"
USA X-Factor Panel to be the 'Best' Ever

Sexy Pussy Cat doll Nicole Sherzinger will be hosting the USA X-Factor alongside Enrique Iglesias.

Simon Cowell told MTV News that his X Factor judging panel "will be the best so far, I promise you," adding, "If I get the people I want, I'm really happy." Stay tuned.

Pregnant Mariah Carey will not be on the judges panel as she is expecting twins.

Celebrities in the frame include Charlie Sheen, Usher, and Paula Abdul but Simon Cowell is famously indecisive and ruthless about eliminating any one whom he sees as 'second rate'. He wants the American judges panel to be the best one ever; with the ability to make or 'break' the next super-star in America.

Blood has already been shed on the Fox TV carpet with Cheryl and Dermot's hopes being "X-sterminated" with a great wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Charlie Sheen has said that he was 'winning' Cowell's approval to be an X-Factor and that his tiger's blood and Adonis DNA would help Cowell to transmute base metal into gold.

Show-biz insiders are holding their breath for some traumatic announcement of a mega importance from the great Cowell himself.

A "Tinsel Town Tat" journalist said, "no one but a mega star will do and we are expecting Simon to find a huge USA Celebrity to sit in judgement on the panel. The mind boggles as to whom the lucky candidate might be.

Cowell has thrown the selection process into disarray by his determination to have Cheryl as one of the judges but Fox TV executives just would not 'buy it'.

Cowell is said to have thrown a hissy fit and to have 'thrown his toys out of his cot' and to have discarded 'shabby and threadbare' Cheryl and Dermot as his 'old boring toys' in favour of new shiny ones.

It is said by unnamed sources that Cowell has taken inspiration from 'Lotso Bear' from the new Tory Story Film who he took to be a flattering portrayal of him by Pixar.

Who the mega stars will be who will sit in judgement on the USA X-Factor panel has yet to be revealed but expect no one less than the best.

The studios have also had a suprise visit from Britney Spears who came to see Simon to ask if she would be in the running. With devastating honesty Uncle Simon said 'in a word 'no' Britney you're no longer the nubile young thing that you once were." Britney was seen running from the studios in tears pulling at her blond hair extensions in distress.

Lady GaGa also made it be known that she would be available for Simon if he needed her. Simon pretended not to hear her and said that she might be asked to do a gig on the show sometime if he is desperate but he is not promising her anything.
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An army of 23 rejected celebrities have united together to 'bring Cowell down a peg or two' and pop his 'helium bubble of hubris'. Charlie Sheen said if he is not given the 'gig' that 'failure is not an option and he will "decapitate Cowell with a machete to teach him a lesson", as after all he has "tiger blood" flowing through his veins.

Other celebs have told him to 'shut it' as they only want to harm Cowell's showbiz career and not actually physically harm him however much they might 'hate his guts'.

Sheen is anyway fully expecting Cowell to offer him the 'gig' and does not really want to form an allegiance with those whom he perceives as losers "who do not have a drug called Charlie Sheen flowing through their veins."

After such a huge build up to a programme it makes you wonder if the show can possibly live up to all the hype and whoever is on the panel and is presenting it, it could go as 'flat as the proverbial pancake' if the mix is not quite right and Uncle Si has 'over egged the cake'. Whitney Houston has been belting out, "Someone left a cake out in the rain and it took so long to bake it that I'll never get the recipe again." Simon Cowell told her not to be so "silly" and to 'put her knickers back on' as she is far too old 'a bird' for him as he only like 30 - 35 year old black women.

Antonio 'LA' Reid, Enrique Iglesias and Pussy Cat Doll Nicole Sherzinger are now 'riding high' and they have now been elevated to 'Show Business Royalty' whilst poor Cheryl and Dermot's dreams are in shreds. However as Simon Cowell said, "We are not nice people here at the USA X-Factor and if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen."

It is a case of the 'winner takes it all and the loser standing small' and this is the ethos that runs through the whole American dream machine.

It makes you wonder what will happen to Simon Cowell when he is too 'long in the tooth' to be the producer of USA X-Factor? He does not believe that he will grow old like a normal person but that he is immortal and indestructible. Cowell has secretly joined the kabbalah with Madonna and has taken a precious vial of 'holy preservative juice' which will help him to maintain his potency and virility forever.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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