It's just been announced by British Prime Minister, The Right Honourable David Cameron, on behalf of the Department of Health that SHIT (Spontaneous Human Intestinal Trauma) really does happen.
Mister Cameron was "perfectly clear about this."
He told a packed house that SHIT usually occurs after eating or drinking too much, and that the government were going to invest heavily in SHIT prevention, because approximately 365,000 working days per annum are lost because of SHIT.
"Something has to be done about this," Mr Cameron explained. "And let me make it perfectly clear that I'm making it clear that we need to invest heavily in SHIT prevention for the sake of the economy, because when people - usually civil servants and local government officials get SHIT, it leaves them, usually, with the shits as well. Resulting in a further couple of days off."
Opposition leader, Ed Billabong told the PM in an angry exchange:
"You're full of shit! All this talk about being clear about SHIT is just a load of old shit! When people get SHIT, they get the shits. It's as simple as that you freeloading fucker! You're so full of shit about SHIT it's painful. Especially when I go for a shit. Which isn't all that often because I'm usually bunged up with SHIT myself!"
To which the PM responded wittily, in a perfectly clear manner, that the Leader Of The Opposition resembled a person who has been shat upon. Calling him: "A SHIT head"
"At least I don't wear a wig and wank Nick Clegg off in the bogs at break time," came the response.
At which point, Deputy PM Nick Cleggy - formerly of Last Of The Summer Wine - chimed in:
"I resent that," the public school educated turncoat announced. "The Prime Minister - and let me be perfectly clear about this - categorically does not wank me off in the bogs at break time. The truth is - oh yes, it's out there for those who care to look for it - that I actually give him a blow job. BLOW meaning Briefing Lasting Over weeks - so fuck off turdface."
After that, it all got ugly.