Police were called to a house in Blackguard Close, Titchfield today to investigate the killing of a pit bull terrier by an alligator in a neighbour's garden.
"We received a complaint from a resident that an alligator in a neighbour's garden had eaten their dangerous dog, so we went to investigate," explained Sergeant Barry Butlin. "Mind you, we proceeded with extreme caution. You don't fuck about with 20 foot alligators."
On arrival, officers observed the alligator basking languidly in spring sunshine, and what remained of the dog - just an ear.
Controversy arose when a wildlife expert, Clayton Le Moors was called in from nearby Southampton to dart the gator. Neighbours complained vociferously that the gator wasn't such a big problem, but that the dog had been.
"It was a roight pain in the arse, that dog," one neighbour angrily declared. "Them's fuckin' Pikeys what owns that dog and it's been a roight baaastard nuisance. They never walked the bugger, just let it out in the garden. All the baaastard thing ever did was shit and bark its baastard head orf! I don't blame Mr Shuttlecock for buying that there big massive crocogator - aafter all, that dog killed his cat, it did. Them oughta leave Shuttlecock and his bloody crocogator alone! Baaaastards."
The dog owner, visibly upset, and shaking from a lack of gin, explained:
"It's all wrong this. That Shuttlecock fellow has done this on purpose. Just because our Tyson killed his precious bloody cat. They're neighbours from hell them Shuttlecocks. They sometimes go upstairs and move by the windows because the bastards know it winds the dog up. I've told them to stay away from their windows, but they took not a blind bit of notice. Poor Tyson - all I have to remember him by is his ear. I can't go on...excuse me..."
When our reporter confronted Martin Shuttlecock with the fact that he was keeping a dangerous 20 foot alligator in his garden, the pork pie hat wearing goldfish breeder told us sarcastically:
"More as we get it."