A woman from a shady valley somewhere in Devon got seven shades of shit kicked out of her after mistakenly parading around in 18th Century frilly clothes.
Miss Dorothy Danube, a foxy lady who hides beneath an outward spinster librarian appearance, was out walking her pet squirrel Neville when she was set upon by marauding grouchy teenage cows.
"They tore at my frilly leggings, ripped my bodice and yanked at my dainty bonnet", Dorothy complained.
The adolescent cows set upon her after making threats such as "we're gonna fuck you up bad, fancy lady" and "your petticoats are gonna be so dirty when we're finished with you".
When Dorothy tried to run the cows laughed as she stumbled over her satin booties.
"They all gathered around me and began licking the shit out of me", she sobbed.
An expert in such matters said that, while this was a particularly troubling occurrence, young cows do often gather in gangs and make a nuisance of themselves.
Only for the quick-thinking of Dorothy she could have perished.
"I shouted 'Butcher!' as loudly as I could and they all galloped off", she said.
She was fortunate.
Last year, a man in Newcastle was eaten alive in his one-bedroomed apartment by a young Jersey cow.
Police said he was a victim of Mad Cow Disease.