A fresh crisis has hit the troubled coalition Government - an absence of new things to declare war on. Having successfully declared war on terrorism, crime, vandalism, MPs' expenses, old people, young people, babies and Libya the Press Office at Number Ten is now stumped as to what to do next.
"We're all out of ideas" said one spokesman. "We tried declaring war on ourselves but there was just too much paperwork to fill in. It didn't seem worth it."
Having stripped the most vulnerable members of society of their services and funding, it looks the Government will have to find someone else to pick on. A possible candidate that has been mooted is London Mayor Boris Johnson, for "no good reason other that he's an easy target".
According to leaked confidential files (left in the Silver Cross on Whitehall), Johnson has been discussed as a likely candidate for the Government's aggression due to his "ridiculous hair and habit of saying the wrong thing and generally making a nuisance of himself".
It is a surprising move against someone that nominally belongs to their own party but according to the files, Johnson was "fair game". The file concluded "Let's face it, it'd be a laugh. And a heck of a lot easier than declaring war on an abstract noun like we did with terrorism".
The official statement from Mr Cameron announcing the declaration of war against Boris is expected later today. It is anticipated that it will be a swift invasion and occupation, followed by a period of readjustment and almost certainly some hair-pulling and wedgy-ing. For Mr Johnson, it will be a swift and painful reminder of his school days with Mr Cameron.