It has today been announced by HM Government that a massive publicity offensive will be launched in April to heighten people's awareness of the dangers inherent in being alive.
The Minister for Health will personally supervise the campaign which will include a personal message from the PM, wall-to-wall television advertising, giant hoardings, mobile loud-hailers, newspaper headlines, and perhaps most significantly of all a government health warning on every item of food or drink you will ever purchase.
"We can't emphasize strongly enough" said a spokesman for the Department of Health "that being alive is a gradual but totally inescapable process which will eventually kill you. We therefore feel that it is up to us to enlighten the electorate of this once great nation before they sue us for not keeping them up to speed".
"The best thing to do if you are in any doubt" added the chairman of nutritional think-tank CALORIES - "Commit And Lie Over Real Implications of Egg Shortages" - "would be to top yourself now. That way you can pre-empt not only the Third World War, but the inevitable state of slow decay that awaits you. You won't have to worry about aids, cancer, MS, coronary heart disease, alzheimer's, or any other of the many and various terminal nasties that may raise their ugly heads in the future".
"Let's face it", says Professor Brian Cox, "if you've only borrowed all the elements you're made of, wouldn't it make absolute sense to give them back now in case some other organism needs them more than you do?
"I must condone and applaud this government's initiative to which I will affix my personal seal of approval as an expert in the field. The one immediately behind my house, that is, which is currently ablaze with wild flowers which are made up of elements created in the final anguished death-throes of supergiant stars, and I'm awfully sorry, I'll shut up now in case I bore you all to death, except that that in itself would be a most commendable idea, wouldn't it. Would it?
"I'm terribly sorry, I seem to have mislaid the thread, come adrift from my train of thought, and otherwise become hopelessly entangled in my own seductive web, so I'll shut up. Except that I don't know how to shut up. Can anyone help me with this before I bore myself to death as well?".
And you know he's right. It is extremely selfish to hold onto all the trivia of your own sad little life when you're going to have to part company with them one day whether you like it or not, so why not do something a lot more useful today and stop cluttering up the place while you consume dwindling resources and breathe air which is shortly going to be rationed anyway?
The planet will be much happier by itself without the countless billions of largely useless human beings who believe they have a right to be here, so act now, and take one small, but for once truly selfless, step, and be forever remembered for your totally, completely, and utterly meaningless gesture".
Don't delay. Join DIPSO - Death is the Public-Spirited Option. YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE.