Written by grimbo
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Sunday, 20 March 2011

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The Coalition Government are set to announce a major new initiative that is sure to upset millions of iPhone users and texters.

Theresa May, Secretary of State for the Home Department, today will announce that all service users in the U.K. will be forced to sit a "user suitability test" before they are allowed to operate such a device in public.

The Secretary of State stated to a packed press conference outside the House of Commons :

"After literally thousands of complaints from concerned members of the public about the potential health and safety risks of using mobile devices in public, I commissioned the Health and Safety Executive to carry out a thorough and exhaustive investigation into the matter.

The HSE sent out officers to every major city in the nation. These dedicated professionals were remitted to observe mobile device use in city centres and to report back on their findings.

The results are staggering, nay astonishing.

In every city centre during every lunch hour, there were at least 5 potentially fatal events directly caused by iPhone users and texters forcing non users off the pavement and into the path of a moving car.

Fortunately, all of the non using pedestrians had enough of their wits about them to avoid injury, but it is just a matter of time before a fatality occurs.

Its is clearly time for the Government to take urgent steps to ensure that such an eventuality never happens.

That is why from today all users of these devices will have to undergo a "User Suitability Test" that will determine whether they can operate devices such as iPhones and blackberries in public and still be aware of the health and safety needs of the public in their immediate environment.

If they do pass, they will be issued with a "Mobile Phone Device Suitability Certificate" that will authorised them to operate such devices in public.

Anyone who doesn't pass the test or fails to carry a MPDSC on their person, will be liable to a £100 spot fine and/or 7 days in jail".

An unnamed source in the Health and Safety Executive advised that the great fear the executive used to have in relation to potential fatal accidents in towns and cities used to centre round women carrying umbrellas forcing others off pavements and into the path of oncoming cars.

The new phenomenon ,he said, "is a whole new ball game".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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