A gay man has bought a house next to a school in a quiet suburb of Scunthorpe and upset the respectable residents who fear their male children will become 'victims of a monster'.
Larry Sabu, 20, said it is a "nice area" and that he is "thrilled that there are so many parks nearby" to 'walk his dog' and collect seashells.
He also said that he has no intentions to kidnap and molest any teenage boys anytime soon.
"As a normal gay man, I enjoy relationships with men my own age", he said, "plus, boys arse's are not as developed as those in their twenties. I prefer mine ripe".
The vast majority of God-fearing heterosexual homeowners were taken aback by this.
"Ya mean 'homosexual' doesn't mean 'paedophile'?", asked one amazed local fool.
Larry also said that he wouldn't be organising any gay pride parades or turning the local pubs into a gay bar.
"I like to keep myself to myself, I am teetotal, and I have two left feet so dancing is not my thing either... plus I am colour blind so the colour pink means nothing to me whatsoever".
But Larry did add that he does intend to "shove his turnip" up the bottom of his friend Kevin when he comes to stay at the weekend.
"But only in the privacy of my own home, away from prying eyes.
Naturally, I will be allowing Kevin to put his seashells in my anus too", he explained.