London - The equinoctial rollercoaster countdown begins today amid reports that 'articles spumed from the wrecked nuke plants' will affect 9 out of 10 of the tabloid's readers.
Radioactive fumes being carried on a wave of hysteria have already penetrated some of the Red Top's columnists.
They warn the first stage of mass contamination is likely to occur by Saturday's 18:10GMT Pisces full moon - slap bang in the middle of a BBC2 Escape to the Country repeat.
By 19:39GMT a World War II-style creeping paranoia may affect audiences of ITV's Ant & Dec's Push the Button who have decided to abandon a traditional Dad's Army psychotic episode.
This could then peak around 21:05GMT with Channel 4's airing of The Happening - about 'baffling' suicides sweeping New York in the first signs of an impending global crisis.
The actual Vernal Equinox at 23:20GMT on Sunday night will probably be just too much for Mail on Sunday readers, invariably first to show tell-tale symptoms of toxic scaremongering.
"Something big's about to blow civilization as we know it," last week's Sunday Smearer editorial predicted.
The Sun conjoins Uranus at 1-degrees Aries at Monday lunchtime.