Written by Roy Turse
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Wednesday, 16 March 2011

image for Queen Announces Knighthood for Bertie Bassett

Reports are coming in that The Queen has decided to bestow a royal honour upon Bertie Bassett, the Liquorice Allsorts man. We bring you this breaking news story at a time when the details are far from clear, but it appears that the Palace has announced that Bassett should be honoured for his services to the armed forces.

We contacted Kraft, who own Cadbury, who own Trebor-Bassett, who own Geo Bassett & Co, who own Bertie Bassett, for a comment.

We asked if the honour was related to the amount of Liquorice Allsorts eaten by members of the armed forces. They told us "I'm sorry; I have no idea what you are talking about. Are you from England?"

Once we had established we were in fact calling from England, we tried to arrange an interview with Sir Bertie.

"I've checked the human resources intranet, and we don't seem to employ anyone by that name," we were told, "I could check to see if he is on our ex-employee database, but that could take a while."

We said not to worry, but that we were surprised that they seemed not to know about the honour being awarded to their corporate mascot.

"Are you sure that a knighthood is going to Bertie Bassett?" the representative asked, "Only there is mention in the UK press today of another Bassett being given a royal honour."

At the time this article was published we had not confirmed conclusively that the honour was intended for Bertie Bassett, however it seemed extremely unlikely that it had been awarded to Fred, the cartoon dog.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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