A review is underway which will look into the radicalisation of students and nannying those students deemed susceptible to outside influences it was announced today.
Students behaving strangely or listening to Cliff Richard's music will be put under close scrutiny. "Actually they are one and the same", claims Professor Holmes. "Anyone listening to Cliff Richard or watching him on the telly provides serious clues about strange, extremist behaviour, it's not normal, is it? Consider Rick from 'The Young Ones', an anarchist AND a Cliff Richard fan, a tortuous combination."
Universities are expected to play a large part in spying on students - Pouring through essays, noting membership of groups and clubs and hiding behind corners when they go out on dates. Additionally, introducing drama and sport activities gives lecturers the chance to go through students bags searching for anything questionable - a half-eaten Greggs roll, a bomb-making book or a subscription letter to the Readers Digest.
The review by Lord Carlile is due to be published in May. "Look", said Lord Carlile, "We have got to do something to reverse students understanding of how society works. That knowledge is like a torchlight for militancy. Keep them mean and keep them keen. We just want to be loved you know. Is that too much to ask?"
James Brandon from the counter-terrorism think tank, the Quilliam Foundation, welcomed the news, saying, "I think they (university lecturers) should... feel it's their duty to tackle radical, extreme and intolerant thoughts which are justified through Islamist ideology." But commentators have noted that Muslim students are likely to be the targets here. And if they also happen to listen to Cliff Richard CDs then that will be used as justification for reporting them to the authorities, removing them from their course and putting them in prison. That they could afford the course would be another suspicious indication of questionable intent.
Prime Minister David Cameron told Parliament several months ago that the UK had to "de-radicalise" its universities. Speaking at a Conservative Mothers Union yesterday, he urged mothers of teenage children to "wash childrens mouths out with soap and water" the minute that they see evidence of "backchatting, strange musical tastes, opposition to conservative values and a belief in the tooth fairy."... "That would be evidence of extreme drug use and it is known to lead to protests against governments which we don't want to fall victim to", the Prime Minister told mothers. Interestingly, Samantha Cameron was in the audience observers noticed. It appears that Mr Cameron was priming her well before their household fell victim to the curse.
Dr Watson agrees. "Prevention is better than cure at any angle and if students are impertinently bold enough to think that they can come to our university, then I'm afraid that certain checks will have to be made. If they actually believe that the students union should survive and then they also take it amongst themselves to throw outrageous parties then we will have no alternative but to ask Dr David Starkey to monitor events. He will become our Events Manager, after all we don't want any history of problematic student behaviour. It will also afford Dr Starkey the opportunity to talk ten to the dozen, not allowing students the chance to speak, thereby averting questions and radical ideas and protest. Problem solved. Mr Richard's music will be banned along with Mr Presley's as that sort of music encourages students to "move it, to rock in a jail-house, to become hound dogs and dare I say it, to cavort with paedophiles and their living dolls? I suspect that we can also assume that they're live-in dolls. The possibility really is intolerable."
Yesterday, we tried to get hold of Universities Minister, David Willetts, for his views on this matter but we were informed that he was assisting primary school children with their Conservative Carol Books, a particular take on the traditional carol and an early method of preventing resistance to Conservative ideology.