Kate Middleton, lovely wife-to-be of Prince Harry's older brother William, has spent the last few months choosing flowers and clothes for her impending wedding day. But this week she had perhaps the most difficult decision to make of her life, which way to be assassinated when the Royals are tired of her.
Unlike her deceased mother-in-law to be, Diana Queen of Hearts, who accidentally brutally died when her car was accidentally driven off the road and brutally planted in to a bridge support in France, Miss Middleton has been given the option of how she'd best like to leave this mortal plain.
Sources close to the beautiful bride-to-be told us she was quite liking the idea of a 'drowning on holiday' scenario, because at least she would get a few weeks in the sun before the deed was done. But she is an exceptional swimmer, so security officials have vetoed that idea, due to the fact there are too many variables for it to be a guaranteed success.
Other options included:
- Being gassed at home, due to a faulty heating system.
- Being slowly sawn in half at a saw mill.
- Being kidnapped and tied to train tracks on the North Circular Line.
However, none of these seemed to spark the interest in Miss Middleton, until she saw the 'gardening accident' option.
The exact details of the 'accident' would be kept secret, so as not to distress the intended sexy victim, leaving them with a 'not knowing where or when' scenario. It could be electrocution from running over the cable of a mains mower, falling in to an industrial wood-chipper, or falling from a tree whilst apple-picking.
This option appealed to the gorgeous Miss Middleton's sense of humour and adventure, but has left officials drawing up suitable clauses, should the worst come to pass.
If Miss Middleton commits adultery with a reporter for an internationally known spoof organisation, then all charges would be dropped. For both parties.
But if circumstances should play out resulting in Miss Middleton leaving the country with someone else, or bringing the Royal household in to disrepute, before officials can 'get to her' then a simple rifle shot to the head would be accepted.
The fabulously lovely Kate is due to sign the documents sometime today.
Tomorrow: Kate chooses her bridal bouquet.