Turnip-faced politician Leo Varadkar has been anointed 'Minister for Turnips' in the new Fine Gael/Labour coalition government.
The arrogant vegetable-featured character said he was delighted to be representing such a 'tasteless and disgusting vegetable'.
"All my life has been leading up to this moment in time. With a face like mine I was born for this role", he repeated ad nauseum to anybody who was bothered listening - especially The Irish Daily Mail.
Other ministers announced in the new cabinet include:
- Fine Gael's Richard Bruton as 'Minister For Giggling';
- Phil Hogan got 'Minister for Pompousness, Goebels-like Behaviour and being very Tall';
- Labour's Joan Burton as 'Minister For Bald Spots and Wrinkled Faces';
- Brendan Howlin of Labour was made 'Minister For Little People'.
Losers include Roisin Shorthall of Labour who really, really wanted to be made 'Minister for Looking Like a Piranha'.
She was put back in the fish tank and told to keep quiet.
Fine Gael's Brian Hayes was told he must work on controlling his facial muscles before he ever gets a chance to become 'Junior Minister for Not Pulling Stupid Faces in Interviews'.