Royal shock machines Sorry, Doshless of York, and Andrew, Duke of Hopeless, are set to be exiled as soon as an unsuitable country can be found to accept them. But apparently even the worst places on earth have their limits.
Given her fondness for poolside, Fergie was apparently quite keen on dipping a toe into life in sunny Libya and even volunteered to live pay-per-view 'if there's good internet and I get 75 per cent.' The Duke was said to be agreeable as well, having worked hand in glove with several notable figures from the Middle East on previous occasions and believing the country to be one big golf course on the basis of having so many sand traps. But embattled Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi rejected the idea, telling intermediaries: "The presence of Dumb and Dumber would only disrupt the peace and tranquility I enjoy each day.'
North Korea, Iran, Afghanis and several other stans all refused the accept the pair, citing variously 'on holiday in Portugal', 'boiler problems' and 'so busy with the garden.' Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez declined on the basis that the two were living the kind of 'vida loca' beneath his standards for dignity and decorum. Chavez added: "Besides, if those daughters show up in those terrible hats it will frighten the horses.'
Unconfirmed reports suggest that desperate negotiators had approached NASA about 'a unique exile for a unique couple', dangling the offer of inviting the Obamas to the Royal wedding after all.
While diplomats seek a venue for the enterprising pair, Buckingham Palace has discreetly relocated them from the Duke's now former home, Royal Lodge at Windsor, to a more secure location at The Tower of London.
"The Queen felt it's best suited to them," said a palace spokesman. "Well, second best suited, truth be told. Broadmoor said no, too."