The Queen is said to be considering a spring House (of Windsor) cleaning as the Duke of York's With-Friends-Like-These scandal threatens to turn into a real toe sucker. Bad news is swamping the monarchy at a pace not seen since the Royal Divorce-Off and Fire Sale of 1992. In a bid to regain control of the situation, Her Majesty is believed to be planning a titanic reorganisation of the Royal Family, with several redundancies.
While no official announcement has yet been made, sources say it has been settled that Prince Andrew will be given up for adoption, even if other members of the Royal Family are allowed to remain in their present positions. However, there is speculation the Princess Royal may be replaced by Susan Boyle, so long as she agrees to reinstate that birds-live-my-hair style so familiar to YouTube viewers during the early stages of the singer's ascent to international stardom and tabloid fodder.
"I'd give SuBo fifty-fifty. HM really likes her version of I Dreamed a Dream, but the meltdowns may tip the decision in favour of the devil you know."
Sources also say Academy Award winning actor Colin Firth, who demonstrated a certain f-f-f-froideur in The King's Speech, will very probably be offered the role of Prince of Wales. The Duke of Edinburgh is thought to be particularly keen on the recast.
'We never comment on family matters,' said Palace Homing Pigeon, Sir Hamish Snobworth. 'Although I am happy to suggest that if any publications retain stock photographs of present members of the Royal Family, they advise their photo editors to play close attention to announcements in the coming weeks.'