Written by Kate_UK
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Topics: Babies, Milk

Saturday, 5 March 2011

A disturbing new trend has come to light among the young people of Britain. This generation are self-described "milkoholics" - dependant on milk and drinking up to twelve times a day.

Reuben Milner, 1 month, is a typical milkoholic. Speaking from his home on a South London council estate he insists "I can give up any time. I just choose not to. Milk is my life. I know that people look down on me for it and says it's symptomatic of our dysfunctional society but I don't care."

Reuben's Friday night is sadly similar to thousands of young people across the country. Starting around 8 o clock, he will drink until he passes out - sometimes in a pool of his own vomit - then sleep for a few hours before waking up and starting again. But this is no casual weekend milkoholism - he finds it difficult to either get up or go to sleep without a drink and admits that the intervening hours pass by in a blur of drinking and daytime TV watching. "Some days I can't even focus more than 25-30cm in front of my face" he confides.

All across the country, it is a similar story. Wherever these young people gather, be it in organised groups or just hanging out in public places, there is milk drinking and the inevitable vomiting - known by the kids as "possetting". Shockingly, their parents do not discourage this behaviour and often supply the milk that fuels their child's addiction. One parent says "Drinking milk and possetting - it's what babies do. You won't ever stop them."

But as in so many of these cases, the parents are often to blame and frequently have their own history of milkoholism. Reuben's mother Kate drank milk for the first twenty-seven years of her life, giving up shortly before Reuben was born. Now she gets through the day by using Soya - a readily available milk substitute- but admits "I miss milk".

Needless to say, Reuben Milner is unemployed and claiming state benefits.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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