John Galliano is still going to make Kate Middleton's Wedding dress. Or at least, that's what she keeps saying. But insiders at Buckingham Palace have admitted that something is seriously wrong with this statement.
The statement appears to be on a continual loop, which is repeated every hour on the hour. As I reported last month, rumour has it that Kate Middleton is not a normal Princess to be. She's a robot who is only programmed to say 10 things a week.
These 10 things are programmed every Tuesday and they are designed to cover all social situations she might encounter in the course of her Royal duties. Kate is then set free into the world and she just repeats the same sentences over and over again. This plan has worked perfectly for the past 2 months, but this week something has gone wrong with the plan.
John Galliano, her wedding dress maker, has disgraced himself in public by being mean to people in a bar. His behaviour was so terrible that Christian Dior have told him never to darken their doors again. And Natalie Portman has denounced him as a scoundrel.
All of this should have resulted in an immediate reprogramming of Kate Speech Application but, quite horrifically, it wasn't possible. Kate's speech programmer is on holiday and won't be returning for three weeks. Its a disaster.
To avoid any further embarrassment, the Royal Family have decided to send Kate away to a place were they send all their embarrassments.
That's right, they've sent her to join the Army for a few week, where RoboKate can malfunction to her hearts content and no one will even care.
By Katarina Frogpond.