Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Topics: Cricket, Curry, dinner, Lords

Friday, 25 February 2011

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What lurks in the ladies' at Lord's?

What began as a congenial night out with her husband and friends turned into a night of terror for a West London woman yesterday.

Mrs Pandora Longleg, of Notting Hill, was attending a curry evening in the Members' Pavilion at Lord's, the cricket HQ in central London, when her night of terror began.

She told us: "Well, we'd accepted an invitation to the dinner because my Lambert has a friend who is an MCC member.

"After the dinner we were talking to some of our host's friends - whom we'd just met, of course. Well, obviously, my Lambert was comfortable talking about cricket as he watches a lot and has played.

"But I think they sensed I wasn't a fan. One of the ladies asked me if I liked to watch or play the game and when I said 'Not really," the atmosphere turned quite icy.

"Then, when I visited the ladies' room before picking up my coat as we all began to leave, the lights suddenly went out and I heard mysterious whispering. Then all the doors started rattling and evil-sounding voices screamed 'Burn the heretic! Burn!'

"I was terrified and couldn't find my way out. The screaming went on and on and I could feel rough hands pushing and pulling at me.

"Then it stopped as suddenly as it had started as a female steward came in to change some towels. I got out of there as quickly as I could and found our new acquaintances looking at me strangely and licking their lips.

"I couldn't begin to explain what happened, but I won't be returning to Lord's!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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