Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 24 February 2011

image for Kate Middleton Dress Speculation Latest
Westwood designed this burial gown for McLaren, but he refused to wear it

Speculation over who will design the dress in which Kate Middleton will marry Prince William is reaching 'crescendo level' this week, after a host of top British designers met in London to discuss the project.

Speaking backstage at the London Fashion Week event, top British designers Rocha John Rocha and Paul Costelloe spoke about their desire to create "the ultimate Royal Wedding Dress", which, they said, "will be much the same as any other dress, but worn at a Royal Wedding".

Punk Queen Vivienne Westwood said, however, that the Prince's fiancee will have to "catch up a bit" in style terms before she designs any clothes for her.

Westwood, the former 'princess' of Punk Prince Malcolm McLaren (RIP), looks as if she is about 150 years old, although records at the Registry Office of Births and Deaths prove that she is only 133. She is known to favour tartan in her clothing designs, and patent black leather undergarments.

With little more than two months to go before Miss Middleton's wedding to Prince William, other designers are also keen to get in on the act. Karen Low-Cal, a bead bracelet designer from Stoke, this week held a bead party at her home to display the fabulous bracelets she has created showing the names of the betrothed couple. Said Karen:

"It makes a change from making them with names like Bronte, Peyton, Tiffany and Khalidia! Parents are such wankers!"

Also in the Potteries, ceramic crockery manufacturers are racing to produce unprecedented amounts of commemorative plates, cups, saucers, mugs and other such shite for the gullible masses to collect and shove in the back of their sideboards. An executive from one company told us his firm could hardly keep pace with public interest in the tatty items. He said:

"Rearrange this words to form a sentence: gives a Nobody shit."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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