LONDON - Sarah Margaret Ferguson recently stated to a reporter for The Tickety Boo News that in her 51 years she has probably had more ups and downs that the American stock market.
The Marylebone, London native spoke candidly with Neville Twickenbuck and declared that she has never felt more like a Tijuana Piñata than she does now.
She commented that she is sick and tired of being referred to as the British version of Monica Lewinsky.
Fergie, pointed out that one day last week she even received a letter from Lindsay Lohan expressing her sadness at the fact that she (Sarah) had been snubbed by Queen Elizabeth II by not having been invited to attend the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.
The Duchess of York noted that all of this animosity towards her stems from the fact that she was photographed having her left little toe sucked by Johnny Bryan, a financial advisor who reportedly soon after the incident went into hiding in an undisclosed abandoned castle in either Wales, Scotland, or Alaska.
The Duchess of Pork as she was called before she lost 97 pounds on the Weight Watchers Diet said that had she known the big brouhaha that having her little toe sucked was going to cause with QE-II she would have worn a pair of damn friggin socks for goodness sakes.
Fergie shook her head and expressed the fact that she could just not believe the ruffled ruckus, panic-riddled pandemonium, horrific hullabaloo, and the tumultuous tintinnabulation that one little bitty white Royal toe can cause.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Sarah Ferguson was recently approached by Lions Face Films and producer-director Sherwood St. Chamberlain about being a consultant on the new English motion picture 'The Sarah Ferguson Story - Why? Why? Oh Why Did I Not Wear Socks On That Bloody Bloomin Day?']