London - (Bucketshop): A strict ordure of precedence will be in farce when Kate and William marry, the Lord Chamberlain said today.
This means the Abbey seating arrangements will reflect the same sort of national pecking order as in the Old Queen Mum's funeral.
Mrs and Mrs Rooney have been allocated pew numbers 1939-1940, in the 'Siberia' section behind The Quire.
Just off Poet's Corner - or is it Throw-in? - the Beckhams and their three lads will have aisle seats numbered 1459-1463.
With a bit of help from ladies' ludicrous festive hats the two families will not be in eyeballing distance.
Still to be allocated are pews for Ashley Cole, John Terry, Frank Lampard, Theo Walcott, Jermain Defoe and the rest of the England Squad.
They are under strict instructions that only wives and fiancees will be admitted as guests.
"So you can forget about bringing in armfuls of slags and strippers dressed up as bona fide spouses," Palace instructions are adamant.
Vanessa Perroncell is 69.