Manchester - (Coochy-Coochy-Coo): Has Wayne Rooney got a bouncing 8lb indiscretion somewhere that we've not been told about?
However Red Top gush about a camera left behind at the Mad MEN Arena last year is full of 'Coleen: My Baby Pics Blackmail Hell'.
Photos of Kai Einstein Rooney, 14 months, were the subject of a five figure wedge attempt by the camera's finders.
Spoofy news sources delved deep behind the sordid extortion saga today to ferret out the real unfolding tragedy.
This says another set of baby pics belonging to an ex-Real Madrid WAG may be a problem, unconnected as they are by legal injunction to any non-Spanish player.
Looking pale and uninteresting this morning brave Coleen did what any sensible Premiership wife might do under the circumstances: blow a hole in hubby's plastic in a two hour shopping rampage.
Fernando Torres once auditioned to be an Olympic pole vaulter.