Written by Jimbo Gunn
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Topics: masturbation

Monday, 21 February 2011

image for Well-known wanker to quit wanking
A ginger nut demonstrating the special secret handshake of the NJS

A well-known wanker is to quit public masturbation, amid revelations tonight that the onanist was not fully-behind the knuckle-shuffling cause.

Art Pud-Puller, president of the National Jerk Society, has been accused of courting press attention for his own purposes, side-lining the interests of other NJS members.

During last year's protests into the increase in pornography fees, revelations published in Me, Myself and I, a specialist newspaper dedicated to wanking, accused Mr Pud-puller of being interested only in himself.

"Clearly Art is out to get all the attention he can get to launch his own career in politics. He doesn't give a toss about the grass-roots wankers he's supposed to represent."

The NJS president responded with a robust defence. "As a man dedicated to wanking, of course I'm only interested in myself."

"I'm not a bad wanker. I'm stepping aside to give another wanker a shot at taking matters into their own hands - literally."

But his critics remain unimpressed, claiming that Mr Pud-Puller's limp-wristed defence of his members' rights has damaged the society. "No-one takes the NJS seriously as a society standing up for the rights of our member-stroking members any more," claimed one anonymous auditioner of finger-puppets.

"Art is more interested in joining the government than fighting government policy in the interests of our beliefs."

Next month's NJS presidency elections look set to be a close run contest, with the two main rivals Wayne Kerr and Jenna Taylor-Holder both commanding popular support amongst the wank-and-file membership.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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