Northumberland - (Rotters): An Alnmouth-and-no-trousers pensioner has changed his name to Bastard to vent his disgust at the upcoming nuptials.
Michael McNamara-Bastard used an official Deed Poll to become Micheal Bastard McNamara-Bastard and has turned down the guilt-edged royal invite to the 29 April shindig.
"I'm taking a stand against these bastards who're wrecking our country with their tawdry wedding," McBastard told reporters today.
"Doris and I have have sent back the invite so as not to soil our family's good name."
The Bastards will now celebrate their golden anniversary with a pie-throwing gala in their back garden.
Makeshift effigies of Kate and William will be placed in traditional Northumbria stocks and neighbors invited for a stake-and-kidney hurl.
Chelsy Davy is 69.