Written by Nick Hobbs
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Wednesday, 2 March 2011

image for Scissors Left Inside Patient Is 'Tip Of The Iceberg' Say's Leaked Hospital Document
All of this was left inside a patient at a hospital in Dorset.

With recent news of a womans distress after finding a pair of surgical scissors left inside her, after a tummy tuck operation, we thought it our duty to delve deeper in to this subject and find out if this was just a mishap or an increasingly common occurrence.

We began by tracking down Marvin Kumquat, 72, a retired postmaster from Ealing. We'd heard about Marvin's predicament through local news reports.

Marvin had gone in to hospital for a simple operation on an ingrowing toenail. However after returning home, Kumquat felt mild discomfort in his abdomen.

Returning to hospital as the pain reached unbearable levels, Kumquat was told it was probably a mild hernia and was sent home.

It was then that he collapsed. Inches from death, he was rushed in to surgery where doctors removed a bed pan from his stomach lining.

The shock does not stop there however. We were passed a secret dossier, obtained from a top surgeons desk drawer, which contains detailed information on a catalogue of medical mishaps.

Fanny Batter, 48, was documented as being 'totally shocked' when told that her now deceased grandmother, Hattie had had an electric eel removed from her left breast, apparently left in there after doctors had performed a routine mammary reduction.

Bob Swelling, a bus conductor from Peckham, was left in agony after a tyre lever was left in his right knee, and Terrence B Swoon, 38 was nearly killed when a toaster was sewn in to his left kidney.

But all this pales in to insignificance when confronted with the story of Nelson Boondock, 56, a semi professional balloon twister.

Nelson was admitted to St Mary The Mother Of Baby Jesus, Son Of God Hospital in Kent for a routine hair transplant. But little had prepared him for what was to come.

"I felt a severe pain in my back when I was discharged from the ward," he told us, "but assumed it was because I had slept a bit funny! It was extremely difficult getting in my car to go home, and I noticed I had to move the seat forward quite a bit. My wife said I was walking a bit funny and kept telling me not to slouch, but it was so painful."

This continued for several days until the pain got the better of him.

"I asked my missus to get me to hospital, it was just unbearable," he continued, "and when I got there I could see the nurses looking at me in horror, but no one would admit anything was wrong. Anyway after seeing a surgeon I was left waiting in a cubicle for four hours, until they returned with my results."

"The surgeon said that during the transplant a seagull had somehow entered theater and was inadvertently sewn in to my neck. It was still alive and had moved down my spine, trying to get out. I was shocked, but it certainly explained the strange noises I was accused of making, whilst watching EastEnders!"

"The removal went fine, and they managed to save the gull, and we released it back to the wild in a small ceremony in Dover," he finished.

The shocking state of our health service is highlighted when faced with shocking stories like these. And this is seemingly the tip of the iceberg.

Whilst doing the research for this article we heard of other, terrifying examples of surgical ineptitude. We never managed to find the woman who found a small garden rockery with flowing water feature sewn in to her left cheek whilst having a wisdom tooth removed, and we can only imagine the discomfort caused by having a child's tricycle sewn in to your lung, as we heard happened to a man in Barnstaple.

Bradley Pierrepoint, hospital spokesman. said "look, mistakes happen in all walks of life! Doctors are no different. So, a guy gets a sea bird accidentally sewn in to his neck, did it kill him? Did it kill the bird? No! So what's the harm? Who's complaining? Sheesh...lighten up, huh?"

And it's this attitude that is sending patients to seek private healthcare, such as BUPA.

"Good luck to them," finished Pierrepoint, "I heard they sewed a badger to some schmucks pancreas, and they left a vase in some womans trachea. It was lucky for her they left the flowers in it, and one of her daughters noticed her breath smelt of daffodils, other wise she would've been a goner!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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