Written by Skoob1999
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Thursday, 17 February 2011

image for Local Man Held Hostage At Waterloo Station - Endures 5 Hour Ordeal
Thankfully Shuttlecock Lived To Tell The Tale

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, was quietly recovering at his Hampshire home this morning after enduring a horrific 5 hour kidnap ordeal at London Waterloo railway station yesterday afternoon.

"I was terrified," the pork pie hat enthusiast declared, still visibly shaken by the experience.

Shuttlecock explained that he had travelled to London to collect a badminton raquet from an ebay user in Vauxhall and was looking for the underground in order to continue to his destination when he was approached by two sinister men.

"One of them looked a lot like a terrorist, wearing paramilitary gear," Shuttlecock told Skoob News. "The other one was obviously some sort of lookout."

Shuttlecock went on to explain how the two men steered him out of the station and forced him to smoke a cigarette - even though he is an avowed tee-totaller and a non-smoker.

"Then they took me back inside and steered me into an upstairs bar," he explained. "They forced me to drink alcohol and made me sit at a table where I was confronted by the Mister Big, a man who claimed to be an exiled Bolivian Colonel, and a younger chap, who looked a bit like how I would imagine a terrorist bomber might look on a good day."

A petrified Shuttlecock decided to play along with his abductors, even going as far as drinking alcohol with them, and chatting about life in general.

"From what I could gather," he said later. "They seemed to work for some murky organisation called "The Site." They referred to this several times, and to some kingpin who they referred to only as 'Mark.' I could only play along with it because I feared for my life. I can only think that they picked on me because I've got a bit of a moustache."

It transpired that Shuttlecock found himself in ever increasing peril as a further two members of the gang appeared. One of the men said that he'd just come from work - although exactly what kind of 'work' he was doing, was never specified. The other man was far more sinister. Shuttlecock described him as a sharp dresser, and went on to relate how the man - who was wearing silver shoes - made a series of mobile phone calls. Presumably to other gang members.

"Eventually, they seemed to lose interest," a relieved Shuttlecock told Skoob News. "They just all sort of drifted off, apart from the Bolivian and the lookout. They demanded I take them to the tube station. I thought they were going to kill me. But MI6 must have had some agents tailing them or something, because instead of cold bloodedly executing me, or pushing me under a tube train, they just said 'goodbye' and made good their escape."

A terrified Shuttlecock explained how he forgot all about picking up the badminton raquet from the ebay vendor in Vauxhall and boarded the first available train home.

"I fell asleep on the train because of all the alcohol these fiends had plied me with," he explained. "I was lucky I woke up at my stop, otherwise I don't know what might have happened. I shudder to think. I could have ended up in Bournemouth. Or somewhere. Whatever - I shan't be going back to that there London to pick any more ebay stuff up. I shall tell the wife, and put my foot down with a firm hand. When she's in a good mood that is."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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