Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 15 February 2011

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There is no mention in the rules about taking pet aligators, though hamsters are disallowed

After a series of mishaps in public swimming pools, the government have decided to step in and bring the public swimming baths rule sheet up to date.

No longer will it display No Running, No Bombing, No Petting and No Food or Drink.

Instead, Health and Safety and the Campaign for Clarity in English have got involved.

No Running has been expanded to: "No Running alongside the pool, for it is wet and you might slip and injure yourself and others."

No Bombing has become: "No diving in such a way it creates an intentionally large splash."

No Petting has become: "Get a room!"

No Food and Drink remains, and is normally good advice where poolside cafeterias are concerned.

New instructions have been added. It is now to be explicitly prohibited to use portable electronic apparatus, such as an MP3 player, portable games console, laptops, mobile phone or portable television. Also added are the rather less likely scenarios such as the introduction of a solidified or liquefied gas into the pool, such as dry ice, liquid nitrogen or bottled farts. It is also now illegal to construct any kind of building in the pool, including, but not exclusive to, igloos, semi-detached houses and apartment blocks. There is a long list of items that are specifically excluded from being taken into a pool, which include: Chainsaws, swords, knives, explosive devices, toothbrushes and step-ladders.

Clothing is excluded from being worn in UK pools now, with the exclusion of clothing specifically designed for swimming, and pyjamas when worn to retrieve a rubber brick from the bottom of the pool. Controversially, this rule applies to turbans and burkas. Boats are also excluded, but only if they have an outboard motor. A long list of diseases, including haemophilia, aids and STDs, will now be disallowed at pools, and people found lying about their infection will be barred for life from pools. Rather unnecessarily, all indoor pools are to prohibit driving.

The old posters that used to adorn public baths are to be replaced with a two hundred page booklet in fourteen languages, including English. There is a telephone helpline and a new web page has been set up at Safe-Swimming.gov.uk that details all of the new rules in full. With pictures.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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