Susan Boyle's cat Pebbles has today started work for the Scottish Government as chief rat catcher for the West Lothian area.
"We've had no end of problems with rats in the West Lothian area. The population seems to increase in early April, when the very hardy loonius-fanaticus breed of rat arrives from America, carrying red scarf disease," grumbled a spokesman.
The rats, which have distinctive red fur around their necks, generally invade pubs, supermarkets, churches, and shopping centres in the Blackburn area. Some have even been seen on buses.
"We've tried everything to get rid of them, but they hang around and keep coming back. The locals are getting fed up of them, so we had to try something!" said the spokesman.
"They keep scaring our shoppers," moaned the local supermarket manager. "We had a whole load of them come in once and they went and made a nest in our range of spotted dressing gowns. We told them we're an atheist supermarket, and they ran out screaming!" he laughed.
"Yes, we've had quite a problem with them," said the local pub landlord. "They keep sitting in one corner of the pub drinking lemonade. A couple of them were spotted in our guest bedrooms once," continued the landlord.
Red scarf disease can prove fatal to locals if not treated promptly. "Try not to come into contact with them if at all possible. Red scarf disease has a number of symptoms including a need to pray constantly, a new found liking of the colour red, an inexplicable hatred of Lou Reed, Michael Barrymore, and Sharon Osbourne, and a sudden loss of sense of humour," said a scientist.
Speaking through an interpreter, Pebbles said "I remember seeing some of these rats before. I used to try and catch them, but they always found a way to run off. I'll get 'em this time!"