A shock government report leaked to journalists suggests that goldfish, mainly the ones kept in glass bowls on old people's sideboards or TV sets, actually do get bored.
An exhaustive study has revealed that goldfish kept in cramped spaces, such as goldfish bowls, get bored and frustrated to the point of sheer madness.
The report stemmed from a 2009 incident when a goldfish was removed from a home by Social Services for its own protection.
Goldfish, kept in such conditions are said to be 'starved' intellectually, socially, and physically - or in layman's terms, bored. It was found that, by attaching electronic sensors to goldfish in bowls, that they rapidly become disinterested in their surroundings, behave in an erratic manner, and feel generally suicidal, although suicide is said to difficult for a goldfish to achieve. If not almost impossible. It was recorded by some scientists that a percentage of goldfish confined to bowls actually attempt suicide by swimming really quickly and banging their heads on the glass walls, but it's a slow and painful death, because space restrictions serve to hamper any meaningful acceleration, so they tend to thump the glass without sufficient force to sustain serious injury. Merely getting headache, which only adds to their woes.
The Department of Agriculture and Fisheries recommended that old people shouldn't really keep goldfish at all, because there are no discernible benefits for either the fish, or their keepers.
They also confirmed that it's a complete waste of time talking to goldfish, because even if they could hear what a person was saying to them, they wouldn't understand a word of it.
The keeping of budgerigars was also slammed by the RSPB.
"When a budgie jumps about in his cage, pecking his mirror, bounces up and down the little ladder to his perch, and batters the hell out of the little bell, it isn't because he's happy. It's because he's seriously pissed off," a budgerigar expert told reporters.
It seems that old people are more sadistic than most people give them credit for. It's probably something to do with the war.