Written by queen mudder
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Monday, 14 February 2011

image for Was JK Rowling in a punch-up before disastrous Baftas appearance?
JK's saggy-arsed facial features are treated with a Botox alternative of rattlesnake veom

London - (Gargoyles): The left side of her mouth made her look like a TV stroke victim ad as she clung to Emma Watson for dear life last night.

Wispy, matted goose-arse hair and a patterned frock-horror halter-neck dress combined to complete the baffling Baftas look.

"Looks like a 1970s crimpelene number from Evans Outsizes," a Vague magazine columnist tweeted as Rowling's puffa-jacket midriff bulged out at the sides.

Movie fans were shocked at a Weakest Link/Anne Robinson snarl 'that she ought to get looked at' each time Rowling tried on a smile.

Brave Emma Watson cringed in horror as a protective arm coiled itself around her waist with Rowling cooing about 'her secret daughter'.

Movie mogul Harvey Weinstein himself looked queasy as he firmly but gently pushed JK behind the Bafta acceptance line-up on stage.

The serial children's fiction plagiarist has so far resisted calls for an industrial-strength facelift and makes do with botox-like rattlesnake venom injections instead.

"Actually, the venom's just a natural vaginal secretion, ideal for smearing on saggy-arse facial muscles," skin doctor Prof Einstein Flintstone said today.

"And the beauty of it is that there's no need for needles!

"Of course, an appropriate secreter needs to sit on my patient's face for a couple of hours for the lifting procedure to take effect!"

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