West Lothian has been put on full alert, after the Fanatics Tracking Bureau issued a Category 5 loonicane warning for the area.
The loonicane, made up of hundreds of Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies, is expected to hit the area in early April.
"We've been tracking this one for a while. It's heading in from over the Atlantic. It's been getting bigger over the last few days, so we've had to upgrade it to a full-blown Category 5 loonicane. We expect this thing to gust at up to 300bph (Blessings Per Hour)," said a Bureau spokesperson.
It is expected that the Blackburn and Broxburn areas are likely to be particularly badly hit, with a localised extreme loony event outside SuBo's house. "Gusts of over 500bph are likely, with torrential downpours of quilts, red scarves, doves, white roses, trinkets, banners, posters, and other general crap," confirmed the Bureau spokesperson.
Loonicanes are not uncommon in the West Lothian area, with up to three per year usually recorded.
"Loonicane Pudding Bowl a couple of years back caused no end of trauma," grumbled the local police. "A poor girl at a bus stop was so traumatised by her blessing that she can no longer get on a bus," they continued to grumble.
Locals are being warned to disconnect their doorbells, and to stay indoors. "We need to reduce the damage caused by this loonicane as much as we can. If it can't bless you, it's likely to blow back out of town!" said a member of the local council.