Written by Eurocleese De Zouch

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Topics: Death, Trains

Thursday, 10 February 2011

An underhand move whilst a train driver and a conductor were playing a game of human Chess, caused the death of 12 passengers.

The train, travelling on the Ullapool to Fort William line hit disaster after the conductor had put the driver to the synonymous check position. The driver panicked and this caused the train to swerve, unluckily missing a gang of underachievers who were on their way to a hen weekend.

It was later discovered that most of the dead were convicted sex offenders who were all on a day trip to watch an inter-school game of boys Cricket.

Chief Inspector Wayne Ramstell, of a Scottish Police Force said "Indeed, during working hours, I have to live up to general Scottish stereotypes. As you can see, I have a small set of portable Bagpipes upon my person, I keep a Haggis swinging between my legs and if I don't wear a Kilt at all times, a high court barrister can legally attack me with a stethoscope."

"Anyway, back to the Paedophiles. We sort of glad those twerps are dead. It's just saved the locals a job. We found some unusual banners in their luggage. One of them read "Nonces on Tour" and another one was covered in Gravy which was ineligible - well we think that's what it was anyway.

The train driver and conductor luckily survived the incident. The driver, Kenneth Warble explained "Derek (the conductor) got me in check..I was all in a bluster...I couldn't find anyway out and panicked. I didn't want to lose a bet whereby the winner would be visited by Terence Stamp lookalike, and the loser was to be fed to a gang of Romany Gypsies.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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