British newspapers are eschewing tittie-shots in favor of the startling news that Queen-to-be Camilla had soon-to-be step-daughter-in-law Kate Middleton for lunch yesterday.
Camilla, Kate's stepmom-to-be, and Prince Cueball's future-bride were joined by Camilla's 58-year-old daughter Laura, and Billie Piper, a 4-year-old Thoroughbred, sired by Shergar, who is Kate's best friend.
"We had krumpets, and eel pie, and all the other sh-t Americans think we Brits eat," said Parker-Bowles, who suffers from Noblinkin's Syndrome, a genetic disorder routinely found in children of incest, which disallows the eye to close completely. "Kate couldn't eat much, because that stupid manhole-cover hat she wore blocked her fork.
Ironically, it was thirty years ago that Camilla met with Lady Diana Spencer to give her advice before her wedding to Prince Charles.
"I planted the seeds that brought Charles and me together," said Parker-Bowles, with whom Prince Charles cheated on Lady Di. "I said, 'If you are ever chased by photographers, just drive into a tunnel. They'll never find you.' 24 years later, Charles was mine."
Camilla and Kate had a few words for the patrons who were eating at the restaurant:
"Attention, peasants: Go forth to the dirt-roaded villages, and tell of your good fortune to the other serfs and minions. Tell them, 'I've just had lunch with two future-Queens."
The Royals took a moment before leaving the restaurant, thanking the employees and assuring them that when they return, they plan to super-size their Happy Meals.