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Thursday, 10 February 2011

image for David Hasselhoff Joins Reopen Morecambe Campaign
Britain's Answer To Santa Monica: Morecambe Yesterday

Baywatch legend David Hasselhoff has pledged his support for a campaign to reopen Morecambe, the North Lancashire town and Britain's Most Decrepit Seaside Resort 2005.

Morecambe, voted Britain's Most Desolate Ghost Town in 1999, has been closed since 1887, when it was boarded up and declared derelict and unsound by the Mayor of Preston as part of the Preston Guild festivities.

Preston, itself, is famous for once having a football team, Tom Finney and for being a major staging post on the itinerary of Japanese tourists visiting Britain's Worst Eyesores, a tour that also takes in such atrocities as Hull, Leeds, Swansea, Hartlepool, Stevenage and Walsall.

The Hoff, who is in the UK to film Britain's Got Loudmouthed Egotistical Dickheads Who Live In Poisonous Shitholes, met his friend since the 1980s Morecambe MP Morris Oxford in London on Tuesday, where he was given a tour of the House of Commons.

Hasselhoff has long harboured an ambition to be photographed alongside a barrage balloon. He was offered the next best thing at the Houses of Parliament when he was pictured standing behind Prime Minister David Cameron, who is also an inflated windbag with cable issues.

The Hoff joined the Reopen Morecambe campaign when he was given a tour of the resort's Winter Gardens by Morris Oxford. He was impressed by the unique attractions on offer there, such as a dead pigeon, vicious seagulls, used syringes, marauding chavs and bleak winds off the sea.

"It's just like Santa Monica", enthused The Hoff as he picked his way through the dog turds and discarded condoms and the gale howled through the remains of Crinkley Bottom, the ruined mansion once occupied by evil neat-bearded 19th century midget industrialist and charlatan Noel Edmonds, who lived there with his lover, bizarre bow-tied semi-human monstrosity Mr Blobby.

The slate-grey freezing waters of Morecambe Bay proved too much when Hasselhoff had to abandon plans to provide a special Morecambe Baywatch photo-shoot for the Lancashire Evening Post.

Hasselhoff first met Morris Oxford in the 1980s when the MP was a kazoo player in Rick Astley's band The Quiffs. The Hoff has modelled his own monotonous singing style on Astley's "groaning" tunelessness.

Other celebrity supporters of Reopen Morecambe are Foggy Dewhurst from Last of the Summer Wine and perma-tanned Mr & Mrs compere and grinning lothario Derek Batey.

Thora Hird and Violet Carson are also rumoured to have shown posthumous interest in the campaign as are Benny off Crossroads actor Paul Henry and Amy Turtle actress Ann George.

Doubt has been cast on these rumours, however, as Paul Henry is not dead.

Morris Oxford said, "My friend The Hoff is keeping alive the memory of Rick Astley and, what's more, he will be a valuable ally in our fight to resurrect Morecambe.

"David is pushing for Santa Monica and Morecambe to be twin towns.

"To those who query the similarity, I respond by pointing out that there is a great deal of affinity between the two windswept, derelict old has-been eyesores.

"Of course, I am talking about Morecambe and The Hoff there, but Santa Monica is pretty much on a par with those two ruinous old hulks."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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