Following the resignation of their 'best hope for an MSP' Jimmy Buchan, the Scottish Conservatives have today appointed a new candidate ahead of the Holyrood elections.
Archie the inventor from the highly popular TV series Balamory is to stand in for Buchan with immediate effect. A Conservative spokesperson said: After Mr Buchan's decision to resign we decided to appoint another popular Scottish replacement who we believe will identify with the local community. Archie has been on our TV's for some years now and we all love and admire his eccentric inventions. We believe he could be the springboard to launch us into more MSP seats.'
Jimmy Buchan best known as the trawler man who failed in his attempts to become an MSP lost out because he reeked of fish. However the Conservatives never actually realised his stench because their nostrils were so full of coke! Now, some are saying the coke has fried their brains.
On hearing the news of the impending candidate Alex Salmond, leader of the SNP apparently failed to get hard for his £1200 a night hooker. He said: 'When I heard the news last night I simply couldn't stop laughing and a by product of such laughter was my inability to get stiff. It may have ruined my night with Clarabelle but it was worth it.'
We asked for an interview with Archie but a Conservative spokesperson said he was busy in his castle working on his cardboard umbrella invention. However we did manage to speak to Archie on his plastic cup telephone. We asked him if he was looking forward to gaining a seat in Holyrood and he said: 'Standing, sitting I'm not fussy, I am really looking forward to seeing the sites, spotting some famous actors and playing hopscotch on the Walk of Fame.'