A handbag heroine has apparently fought off robbers armed with sledgehammers as they attempted a smash-and-grab raid at a jewellery store in Northampton.
An elderly passer by, Mikhail Hussain O'Reilley aged 77, immediately shit himself in excitement as he told our reporter:
"It were fooking briliant like, there was these six geezers knocking seven skittles of shite out of the store front when suddenly like, out of nowhere, this old bird in a headscarf which was covering her blue rinse hair, wearing a red coat, navy blue M&S skirt and white stockings...all topped off in six inch Jimmy Choos.....started belting the bastards with her Armani handbag! Talk about give it to em' there were blood everywhere as the six thugs ran for their lives!"
Despite Mr O'Reilley's description of the woman Police are somewhat baffled due to him not getting a very good look at her face, therefore it would appear that this street-creed heroine could go unrewarded if not found.
However, news is coming in of a potential breakthrough in investigations as it appears Northampton Police have been contacted by the Los Angeles Police Department in the past hour.
Seemingly having received widespread coverage on the NBC news channel the incident was noted by Lieutenant Buzz 'Chuck' Clobersinski who,for the past 10 years has been investigating similar incidents in downtown LA involving a handbag swinging elderly woman!
When pressed further by our reporter, Northampton Police spokesperson, Chief Inspector Mustafa Fagg would not divulge any further details accept to say there had been a significant if not meaningful 'breakthrough' regarding the break in.
However, an unofficial source we have just bribed tells us that thanks to Lieutenant Clobersinski the woman's identity is none other than aged Hollywood tough guy legend Charles Bronson, who after faking his own death years ago fulfilled a life long ambition to become a woman and had a sex change operation in Thailand where he/she has since been living!
Incensed by the amount of punks still roaming around the streets of LA Charles, or 'Charlene' as he now prefers to be called, returned to the USA to rid the mean LA streets of crime. When realising Lieutenant Clobersinki was 'on to him' Charlene vanished as quickly as she appeared.....possibly to the UK.
Meanwhile, in a developing story it appears that semi-retired film director Michal Winner has phoned his very, very close friend, SKY TV News cougar Kay Burley on her direct line requesting she bring a change of female underwear to his Mayfair home as quickly as possible?
.............more on this and the potential sequel as we get it!