Prime Minister David Cameron is to recruit an army of old fogeys and press them into front line service.
David Cameron is going to get the oldies working for the Big Society.
"From now on no one will be able to collect their pension for free," says scrooge Cameron
He proposes a Land Army of Grans and Grandads who will be helping to create the Big Society. All old age pensioners will be given work to. The Fuhrer will get some to be Librarians, some to be School Teachers and others to be Dinner Ladies or School Crossing Patrol staff. All the "Golden Oldies" will be recruited by their local councils into front line jobs.
Cameron said that he was using the example of "Dad's Army" to make use of the older people who still have many skills which are not been used.
It has been decided that some old biddies will be knitting huge blankets made out of squares that WIs all over the country will be knitting. It is called, "Knit For Victory". The old boys will be growing vegetables and will be providing fresh produce for Jamie Oliver's School Dinners. Delia will be inventing some very frugal recipes last used during the war time.
All MPs spouses will be joining the red ambulance and using up all of Sally Bercow's extra sheets to make bandages.
All MPs are to be accommodated in a large Westminster Hall of Residence with Michael Portillo as the housemaster. Portillo is getting Anne Widdecome to be the matron. She is looking forward to the challenge of being frugal and eeking out precious resources and said "I am looking forward to scrimping and saving. I will get this nation back off its rump. I will have to give the patient some very strict discipline. You have to be cruel to be kind and I am not mollycoddling any silly little MPs. They will be coming here to have a short, sharp shock."
Cameron will be cancelling pension payments for any pensioners who don't clock on for 16 hours a week unpaid voluntary work. "We will make the Big Society work and get this nation back on its feet again."
Cameron has decided to get all malingering scroungers off their butts and back into employment. He said all people on disability or any other benefits will have to do something for the "Big Society". He said that he will find work as street cleaners, toilet attendants and dog turd collectors for anyone who is not motivated to find work on their own. He urged every one to get on their bikes as the local bus timetables had been slashed. Cameron urged the councils to get rid of any one on a salary over 50K and get unpaid serfs to provide all frontline services.
Nick Clegg is in talks with Girl Guiding UK and the Boy Scouts movements to introduce a "Hitler Youth Movement" for kids after school. Any one whose parents are wrongly claiming any benefits will be turned in by their stroppy teenagers. The after school Hitler Youth Movement will confiscate all ipods and mobile phones and make sure that all kids are doing gymnastics to get fit. Clegg said there is no need for expensive obesity programmes for those who are overweight. Clegg said "We will get the fatties square bashing and send them on a cross country run." Instead of ASBOS the Scouts and Guide Movements will be getting the bolshy little bastards to show them a bit of respect and will take the disaffected youth camping in rainy Wales in a leaky tent.
Cameron said, "We will bring back National Service for young men and women but it won't be Pontins." The Big Society will be achieved and is coming to a village hall near you. The Oldies will be on a committee and will be making sure that everyone, young and old, waged and unwaged sick or healthy is pulling their weight. The WI are going to form a Committee of trustees in every village to make sure that the country is responding well to the new austerity. The Royal British Legion will be going into Comprehensives to show the teachers leadership and how to discipline the young Sonny Jims in danger of being ASBO fodder. All the confiscated ipods and mobile phones will be recycled by the local authority to serve the Fuhrer.
Cameron's Big Society is modelled on Adolph Hitler's "Mein Kampf" The Prime Minister said he had always admired German efficiency. He said we will get this Big Society working and all skills will be used. As an after thought he said CRB checks and Health and Safety were going to be thrown out of the window. It is time to "knuckle down and tough up. Wake up and smell the coffee!"