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Saturday, 5 February 2011

image for Prisoners in UK now Granted Right to Unionize; Threaten to Bring Justice to Its Knees!
Rose West and Other Convicted Killers Celebrate Union Victory at Open Bar at Camp Hill Prison , Newport, on the Isle of Wight

Following quick on the heels of the EU mandating that prisoners be granted the right to vote, came the shock pronouncement today that all prisoners now have the right to join a union, go on strike, and in effect bring justice to a standstill!

Nations throughout the world are now concerned that the Human Rights craze for convicted felons, murderers, rapists and pedophiles will spread around the globe as prison unions enable the inmates to run the asylum.

A spokesman for Unite, the powerful trade union in the UK, said that they welcomed the EU mandate, and hoped the prisoners would chose their union to protect their rights, and improve living conditions, social networking groups, and expanded conjugal visits.

While 8.75M people are under lock and key throughout the world, the UK leads all of the EU members with 139 per 100k of population behind bars, a total of 72,669 with an additional 1,058 in Ireland, and 6,417 in Scotland.

That is far behind the US with 679 per 100k, or a total of !,962,200, far ahead of Canada with a mere 31,624, the low number being attributed to the Mounties who simply can't be arsed and a government that prefers to 'look the other way.'

Apparently the new union mandate is a result of prisoner complaints after a recent ruling removing video games from prisons where such popular interactive activities such as "Grand Theft Auto", "Kill or Be Killed," "Nazi Death Camp Guard," and "The Taxidermist" were finally deemed to be inappropriate learning materials for those incarcerated.

Life time prisoners including 'The Moors Murderer', 'The Suffolk Strangler", "The Railway Rapist' and even 'The Crossbow Killer' hailed the edict.

"No longer will our human rights be violated now that we have the power to strike," said Stephen Griffiths through his shop foreman.

"We'll have our games back right smartly, we want the return of our Saturday night pajama parties, the World Cup Drinking party, and our gin and lager rights restored, not to mention having our conjugal visit days extended, and to be put up in a right appropriate hotel where we're not made to feel like furtive perverts!"

Griffiths went on to say that if they didn't have their demands satisfied they would with hold sex from the female warders, no longer accept mail from love struck women on the outside, and refuse to pay for contraband smuggled in by guards to supplement their income.

Similar demands are coming in from as far away as Peru with 27,452 prisoners including Joran van der Sloot, who has been named a Unite spokesman for the group, and invited to appear, if he can get a furlough, on Piers Morgan's late night US TV show which is struggling for viewers.

Others are just as hopeful. Amanda Knox says it's been ages since she's been allowed out for a 'bunga-bunga' party at Silvio's, and Kim Kardashian said just the other night, "OJ and I are looking forward to a planned reunion in the Bridal Suite at the Desert Sands in Vegas during the Super Bowl...'first 'n ten.....lets do it again!"

Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen were not made available to comment for this story, and their lawyers are planning to file suit under the "No Idiot Child Left Behind Act."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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