Secret papers uncovered from the womb of a Dutch immigrant who was stowed away in a refrigerated truck travelling to the Greek city of Argos, have described how a patch of Gravel outside 12 Warmsley Road in Hartlepool will become the next Pope.
Sources within the Vatican have completely denied these "unfounded" rumours with the curt reply of "sod off".. However, the Bishop of Tiptoe has revealed that talks were being held during the Pope's visit to England last year.
It has been discovered that The Pope actually visited the proposed holy ground whilst it was claimed that he was locked in a toilet outside Basildon for 9 hours.
It is an unknown fact that it is tradition for the incumbent Pope to meet his alleged successor, where it is customary to compare Pie recipes.
The local paper, the Hartlepool Insect, has reported that locals thought they did see a Popemobile in the area, but Church leaders denied that he had visited the spot in question, and they stated "The Vatican always has several lookalikes roaming each country that his holiness visits, just in case someone needs instant ecclesiastical attention."
In the same breath, The Catholic Church has announced that it wants to outlaw envelopes, because it involves "too much licking".