Morton Saucé-Bucket (pronounced sau-say bou-quet) died in a convalescent home in Sussex, England Monday from complications of an overactive gonad. Doctors claim his body finally petered out from years of being subjected to sexually charged encounters with the opposite sex.
Saucé-Bucket was born in June 1909 and has held the title of World's Sexiest Man since 1930 when, at the age of 21, he was discovered in a brothel in Paris where he'd been living since the age of 17. Morton's aunt, Sissy Saucé-Bucket, was one of the prostitutes at the high-end brothel. Morton came to live with his Aunt Sissy after his mother met an untimely death.
Morton was a very handsome boy. Subsequently, as he sat idly by in the parlor of the brothel day after day waiting for his Aunt Sissy to get off work so they could retire to her little bungalow adjacent for supper, he'd get snuggled and kissed by some of the sexiest women in Paris. Every day he'd be told if he wasn't Sissy's nephew, he'd get all the sex he wanted for free. Unbeknownst to Sissy, when she thought he was round back fixing a snack, he was really in one of the bedrooms learning how to properly treat a woman sexually and the lessons paid off.
Not long after Saucé-Bucket turned 21, he was approached by French film maker, François Malajuste, who took him under his wing and turned him into one of the hottest male French sex symbols of his day. Morton never seemed to age and his charm never seemed to wane. He was featured year after year on the cover of every celebrity magazine in France. His name became synonymous with sex appeal.
At the age of 89, Saucé-Bucket broke a hip while participating in an orgy and was hospitalized in Sussex, England, the home of his only living relative. Unfortunately, poor Morton never fully recovered from the surgery and, no longer being able to care for himself, was placed in an assisted living facility.
Even in a convalescent home, however, Morton continued to live up to his title as the sexiest man in the world. Nurses would fight over who was going to give him his sponge bath or feed him his tapioca pudding. The female residents at the facility would visit him non-stop just to sit next to him and wipe the dribble from his chin as they told him how adorably sexy he was. And Saucé-Bucket always returned the favor by making every one of his female visitors feel like they were the sexiest women alive, even though they all knew there could only be one sexiest person alive--Saucé-Bucket.
Sadly, for all the attention Morton Saucé-Bucket received in his lifetime, he never found anyone to love and he died alone and lonely surrounded by several horny old ladies. It is the legacy he would take to his grave.