Britain's most expensive Geordie, Andy Carroll has had his trademark ponytail stolen on his first day in Liverpool.
The 23 year old from Byker Grove in Newcastle was surrounded by a gang of curly haired, moustached, shell suit wearing stereotypes as he left the Linda Mccartney Steakhouse in the John F Lennon Airport.
'Ah was minding me own business like' said the 6 foot 6 striker 'when all of a sudden like ah was accosted by three men no bigger than Ant and Dec out of PJ and Duncan.'
'One of them says to me like, 'Are you Andy Carol?'
'So ah says no like, Ah'm Andy Carroll with 2 'R's and 2 'L's like.'
'So he replies 'Ok sorry mate I thought you were someone else', shakes me hand like and then him and his mates walk off laughing to themselves....'
'Ah go to the toilet like, then after ah wash me hands ah look in the mirror and ah notice something different.'
'Me ponytail that ah've been growing since ah was a bairn was missing. Those cheeky fellas must have cut it off when they pretended they thought ah was someone else.'
'Ah feel like Paul Gascoigne without his Jimmy Fivebellies.'
'Ah feel like Sting without his fella from the rainforest with a big disc thing stuck in his lip.'
'Ah feel like Jimmy Nail without his Crocodile shoes and ah haven't even got a bloody clue who he is like'
'Ah'm naked man. Ah dinnae think ah'll be able to play football again until it grows back.'
Police are appealing for witnesses and are offering a reward for any information leading to the return of Carroll's ponytail.
'This must have been a very hairy experience' said Chief Constable Ringo Harrison.
'These thieves are notorious and often work in bunches.'
'We believe they might come from the nearby Wig-an area.'
'We hope to catch them soon. We want them toupee their debt to society.'
'That's it. I've run out of material. I'm dye-ing on my arse here...'