Written by Nick Hobbs
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Thursday, 3 February 2011

image for Woman Divorced For Eating A Chip
The cause of divorce. Except this is fish, and if you actually bother to read the article, it was steak that was served.

A Sussex woman was brutally divorced yesterday for simply eating some of her husbands lunch.

Witnesses said that the couple arrived at the Parched Partridge public house and restaurant in seemingly high spirits, and purchased drinks at the bar, before sitting down in a lounge area.

Staff at the restaurant approached the couple with an offer of a menu, and the couple accepted in jovial tones and were promptly shown through to a table in the dining area.

Tanya Figgins, waitress during that fateful lunch session, told us "I approached the couple, who were giggling over an incident that had occurred in an earlier shopping experience they'd witnessed, and asked if they were ready to order. The man said he would love a steak and chips, medium-rare, with a side salad and onion rings. He said he'd worked up quite an appetite, being dragged around the clothes shops with his wife all morning. She laughed and said she was not really hungry, so just ordered a light salad."

"I placed the order with the kitchen, and when it was ready I delivered it to the table. They were still laughing and joking at this point."

Then something went drastically wrong.

Diners who were witness to the events told us "about halfway through I saw the lass take a chip off the guys plate and eat it. He glared at her, but kept chewing his steak. Then a minute later she took another, then another. That was it. He blew his top!"

It is claimed that the husband began demanding his chip back. He was heard to say 'you said you weren't hungry! Why order a bloody salad, then proceed to eat all my chips? If you wanted chips, I'd have ordered you bastard chips! Now give them back, now!'

The woman became upset, but the husband continued his rant, undeterred.

'You always do this, 'I'm not hungry', moments before you start guzzling down my food. It's not on, and I've had enough! Do you remember Bournemouth? 'Cause I bloody well do! We stopped at that sandwich place and I bought that melted cheese and bacon baguette, you didn't have anything, then ate, no stole over half of it! And when I mentioned it later, you just said 'well, I wasn't hungry til I saw your sandwich!''

'And who ate all the popcorn last Thursday night at the cinema? I asked you should I get a jumbo bucket, but oh no you said, you wouldn't be wanting any! Bullshit, you took over three quarters of my poxy little pot, and shoved it in your greedy pie hole! Well no more, darling! It's over, finished. We're through!'

And with that the husband left, leaving his now distraught wife to pick up the bill.

As a consolation, she did finish his chips before paying.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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