With news hitting the headlines this week that ambulances are to get bigger, to accommodate the bulging waist lines of the U.K public, at a great cost to the NHS, more shocks are to hit the beleaguered service this week.
Tommy Windsail, spokesman for Future Watch, the governmental future liability watchdog, told us "fat people will not just impact the size of ambulances. The size of the stretchers they lay on will be dramatically increased too. Special lifting equipment will need to be employed to ensure our ambulance staff are not subjected to weeks off work with bad backs."
"Training schemes will need to implemented so that existing staff are fully aware of how to use this new technology and equipment, we will incorporate the training in to future schemes so that those coming through, and already in the system are fully up to date."
"All this will cost millions of billions of trillions of taxpayers money. And just because the lard-arsed great unwashed, who can't get off their voluminous saggy behinds, don't want to do a tiny bit of exercise! It's criminal!"
Stanley Pornthwaite, part of the NHS Advisory Commission, went even further.
"I received a letter of intent this morning from the National Union of Road Sweepers, who have categorically stated their intention to hold a national walk out, should plans be imposed to widen Britain's road network to accommodate our wider ambulances."
"They maintain that budgets are already stretched for necessary equipment to complete their jobs, but wider roads mean more brooms. And more fuel in the sweep-lorries, due to having to make several more passes to ensure cleanliness. Cost's that can not be justified, just to get a few bubble-butts to the hospital for fat related illnesses."
"Several County Councils are up in arms too, over the realisation that they will be responsible for the re-positioning of the entire drainage network across the UK. When the roads are widened, all of the drains will need to be moved, you can't have drain covers down the middle of the carriageway, after all!"
Elaine Batter, founder of Looking Ahead the advisory watchdog to many leading companies in the city, went even even further by telling us "I think predictions of millions of billions of trillions of taxpayers money is, at best, somewhat blinkered. I think it will run in to millions of billions of trillions of bazillions of gazillions. At least."
"Wider ambulances mean wider roads. Yes? Well wider roads mean less countryside. Agreed? Well, less countryside means less agriculture, less farming, which of course means less food production. Now either we will be forced to buy in food from abroad (and let's face it, to feed the fat pigs that have caused all this, it's going to be a lot of food) or we need to actually extend the UK."
"I have already begun drawing up plans for various extensions around the coast of Britain. I'm getting quotes from several builders, and I'll tell you something, it's not looking cheap! And I hear the French and Irish are already muttering about us encroaching on their land, as we build out in to the sea."
So where will it end? Batter bleakly states "Massive war. Of worldwide and epic proportions. The smoke from the burning of civilisation itself, will blot out the sun. It will lead to famine and starvation, which is ironic really, considering it was fatness that started it all in the first place. I envision an end to humanity as we know it!"
And all because fat people can't stop eating.